The blinding light of silence
by Mrs Fabulous
Summary: If you are 18 and about to die, there is a lot of living to do until the very end. Set 3 years after season 6 - AU
1. Prologue

The blinding light of silence

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Prologue

I made the list the day the hospital officially gave up on me. I honestly had expected this day to come but now it was there, things were different. When reality kicks in you feel as someone has ripped your heart right out of your chest and the weirdest thoughts creep through your mind. I would never marry, never have kids, never graduate, never even turn 19. My birthday was in summer, 6 months to go and even though it was so near I wouldn't be there anymore. The 4th of july would pass without anyone celebrating my anniversary. Maybe some people would remember me that day but were would I be? Was there something like heaven above? I didn't know for sure. It would have been rediculous to say that fear didn't struck me that day but things are different now. If you are 18 and supposed to die, life is the most precious gift you have and living everything that keeps you going until the very end. And I am not yet ready to leave this world behind until I have experienced each and every point on my list.

# Feel the weight of a boy's body on top of me

# get wasted on a Saturday night after at least 3 hours of clubbing

# wear a red mini dress to church

# climb on the highest tree in the woods and reach for the clouds

# visit my father's grave

# get a tattoo

# visit a place that is not Tree Hill

# go shopping with my mother's stolen credit card and buy everything I like

# fall in love

# creat something that will make people remember me

# drive a motorbike

# take drugs

# have one special day with my sisters which they will always remember

# paint my walls all pink

# meet Brooke Davis finally


	2. Chapter 1

_Life, death, - death, life; the words have led for ages  
Our thought and consciousness and firmly seemed  
Two opposites; but now long-hidden pages  
Are opened, liberating truths undreamed.  
Life only is, or death is life disguised, -  
Life a short death until by Life we are surprised._

_- Sri Aurobindo - _

My fingers looked like the scary ones of the ice queen from a children's movie I remembered. They were white, bony and the skin was nearly transparent. It seemed as if they would break if you would just touch them to roughly but I knew they wouldn't. I wasn't as easily to break as everyone thought. My will to live was unbreakable and that kept me going. There had been times in which I had just been in my bed, the blanked pulled over my head to save me from the outside world. I pretended that nothing bad would happen to me if I would just stay there hidden under a velvet meadow of pink flowers. The world was less frightening there but I knew it had to end. I wasted my time with being afraid of the inevitable, denying the facts that had been given to me. Five years of illness left me with barely any hope to ever get healthy again but the final, sad words of the doctor, telling me that I had to leave this world behind sooner than anyone thought, changed everything. There was no bloody way I could escape from this and hiding wouldn't make me feel any better. I wanted to live, like I had never lived before. I had spent so much time in hospitals that I had nearly forgotten how good my room smelled, when the morning air mixed with the scent of the roses my mother always put on my sill. How the light would fall through the trees in front of my window, throwing shadows on my floor that looked like the fingers of a skeleton reaching fo me. I had nearly forgotten the taste of the salty sea breeze that came from the sea over to my house after tempests. I didn't remember how the floor tiles would creak when someone sneaked up to my room to make sure I was still alive. I needed to remember it. The little things that had been less important when I had taken life for granted. They mattered because they made life magnificent.

Now I was back because I had insisted on going home. There was no secret cure for me this time. All they could do was easing the symptoms, something they could do at my house as well. When I left the hospital I felt more alive than ever before. My body was drained and weakened but it didn't matter to me. I was going to use every second that was left to achieve everything I needed to do before it all ended.

That was eight weeks ago. I hadn't done much from my list so far. Actually nothing at all to be honest except for preparing point 15 on the list, the most important one. Meeting Brooke Davis. My best friend Joy called me an obsessive fashion victim when she found her address lying on my cupboard. I just laughed. She didn't have to understand it. I wasn't interested in this woman's clothing line at all even though I had scanned through her web page and found some pieces I would have liked but my interest in her had different reasons. Secret reasons. It had been two weeks ago when my mother had left me alone at home and took my two little sisters out to see my grandmother. I had been bored and explored the attic to find some of my old stuff I had loved as a child. Instead I had found something different, something better. Letters from a man called Richard Davis, asking for the right to see his daughter. Me. My father had never been mentioned in my whole life. Whenever I tried to find out something about him, my mother invented ridiculous stories that couldn't be true just to stop me from asking questions. She didn't want to talk about it and as time passed I stopped bothering her. Miah and Cayden, my younger sisters, had never met their fathers either. I could barely remember the guys my mother had slept with in the time she had become pregnant. My mother was a wonderful, loving and caring woman but when it came to men, she was hopeless.

So I read each and every letter he had written. Cards for my first four birthdays, letters for christmas, all hidden and kept from me by my mother. I dived into a secret world that was dangerously interesting and offered me a piece of my past that had been stolen from me. I never told my mother I found them though. I didn't want to make her sad because she obviously didn't want to be reminded of him. I just always wonderer why she refused to let him see me.

Nevertheless I did what teenagers usually do when they want to find out something – I googled him. The result was depressing. I found his obit from a californian newspaper, he had died two months earlier, leaving his mourning wife and daughter behind. That was when I wrote Brooke Davis on my list. I had to meet her. I had to ask her about a father I had never known but needed so badly to understand before I put myself to rest. The tricky part about this was, that I knew she didn't know about my existance. I couldn't just walk into someone else's life and say 'hello, here I am, give me answers', couldn't I? There had to be a plan to that and this bloody plan kept me from doing all the other things on the list because whenever I felt brave enough to knock on the white door in Park Lane 23, I turned around and went home, trying to find another way to get in touch with her. After eleven attempts I decided that number 15 had to come first. I had to make the final move no matter what she would say, no matter if she would throw the door right into my face and kick me out. It didn't matter. I had to try it before time ran out.


	3. Chapter 2

_This morning I didn't want to lift my head,  
I didn't even want to get out of bed.  
This morning I didn't want to take a shower,  
all I could do was listen to the clock tick another hour.  
This morning I didn't want to sing a song,  
I just hoped the morning wouldn't go on.  
This morning I didn't want to see the sun shine,  
to see it meant I wasn't fine.  
This morning I didn't want to eat,  
I didn't even want for my bed to look neat.  
This morning I didn't want to talk to anyone,  
I jus__t didn't want to have any fun.  
This morning I didn't want to hear the truth,  
I didn't want to front or act couth.  
This morning I hated what I saw.  
This morning I just couldn't go on.  
__This morning for me was just all wrong._

anonymous poet –

I woke up by the sound of one of my sisters crying. I didn't have to get up to know it is Cadie, the youngest one, just 3 years old and a little princess. Pink is her favourite color and pink is everywhere in her room. Mine is yellow. I hate yellow. As I listened to her words about a bad dream she had earlier, I realized how much I was going to miss her. Or maybe not, who knows if there is something awaiting me after death.

I heard little footsteps coming towards my room and someone opening the door. Miah sticked her little blonde head through it and looked at me. I'm the only one with brown hair in the whole family. When I was a kid, I thought I was adopted.

'Hey Abby, you awake?', he sweet voice was soft and calm as she walked inside and sat down on my bed. She was always very sensitive and grown for someone of only 9 years. Her hand reached out and touched my cheek to stroke it carefully as if she was afraid to hurt me. I could feel her little heart beat through her fingetips. She was scared I knew to find me lying dead in my bed and I felt sorry for her to go through this together with me. She should have been innocent and happy, playing with dolls and loving horse riding. Instead she somehow grew up in hospital, watching me die slowly. I hated that.

'Yeah, I'm away', I finally mumbled. I opened my eyes and found two blue ones looking straight at me. A small smiled formed on her lips.

'Good, Mommy wants to know if you want to eat anything before we leave for Gram's. You okay? Are you in pain?'

She asked that each and every morning and I would always say no.

'No, I'm fine. I get myself something when I'm hungry. Have fun at the lake and get me some flowers'. I said and sat up to pull her close. Her body felt so small in may arms and yet so big. She had grown a lot lately. That moment the thought of never really seing her growing up hurt me. I closed my eyes and kissed her forehead before I let her slide down the bed and wave goodbye.

'Take care'

'Call if something is wrong'

'I will'

I watched her running out of the room and looked at my mother who stood in the doorway and looked me up and down.

'What?', I asked, arching one eyebrow.

'You look pale today', she said, he voice as soft as Miah's.

'I always do Mom. Say Grams hi from me and enjoy the day', I told her and yawned. Grams was to old to leave the house so my Mom and sisters visited her every Saturday. Usually I had been too weak to join them so they always went alone ven though I felt slightly better now. I wasn't ready to meet her. When I tried to remember her face I would aways say the painful look in her eyes I saw the one and only day she ever visited me in hospital. She was old and fragile, it wasn't fair to let her watching me die before her. I was sure she couldn't take it. So I called every once in a while and wrote her letters. That had to be enough.

'Stay at home and if anything is wrong, call immediately, Abby', Mom said and I nodded.  
'I will, now go'

I wanted them to finally drive away because today was D-day. They were gone so I would visit Mrs. Davis and talk to her. I had nothing to lose and even though I felt horrible today, I wanted to do it. Before it was too late.

My mother walked over to me and kissed my cheek gently and I could see tears welling up behind her eyes as she left the room. I hated it to hurt her too.

I stayed in bet until I heard the car driving down the street. With one swift move I got up and walked into the bathroom to check how pale I actually was. My face looked skinny, white and nearly transparent too. Just like my fingers. I looked as sick as I was so I decided to put make up on, something I hadn't done in ages, so Brooke wouldn't be scared.

After I got dressed I was so tired that I had to sit down again. Today wasn't a good day. I ran my fingers through my short curls and enjoyed the feeling. It had finally grown back after the last chemo because I had refused to go through another one. There was no sense in that when I was dying anyway.

My head hurt today but I swallowed two paracetamol together with my breakfast and went to the car. My car. Mom had bought it for me and let me do my driving license last summer. I had felt so good back then, nearly too good. Just three weeks later I had got the diagnosis that the cancer was back, stronger than before and that this time I wouldn't be able to beat it. The car still smelled new when I opened the door and climbed in. My fingers stroked over the soft material of the steering wheel before turned on the engine and drove down the street. It was a short ride over to the house I had stared at for so often but I wouldn't have been able to walk all the way.

Parking the car opposite of Park Lane 23, I stared at it again. Brooke Davis was in the front yard, getting groceries out of the car and talking to a young man. My heard was beating hard against my ribs when I took a deep breath and climbed out of the black truck to walk over. That was the moment I usually ran and hid but not today. I felt so brave this time, I could do it.

The sun was blinding and I blinked for a second before I opened my mouth.

'Mrs. Davis?', I asked, my voice raspy and shaky.

She turned around and looked at me in surprise for a moment, then a smile appeared on the lips. She looked pretty when she smiled.

'Yeah, can I help you?'

I nodded.

'I need you to tell me about you father, Richard Davis'

The words came out before I could stop myself. This wasn't the plan! Usually I wanted to do some small talk, get in touch with her BEFORE I asked that question but somehow I was so nervous that I forgot that part. My cheeks blushed with a light shade of pink.

Brooke frowned and looked me up and down.

'Why should I?'

_Good question_, I thought to myself. I couldn't just tell her who I was, could I?

'I...well it's...here'

I handed her the small box with Richards letters together with a piece of paper on which my phone number was written.

'Read them and maybe you'll call m afterwards and talk to me', I said and turned around, fleeing to the car as fast as possible. I could see the puzzled look on her face even though I had my back turned on her. That was not how I intented it to be not at all. Gods, that actually went terribly wrong but nevertheless I had the small chance that she would call me. I got in the truck and raced back home to hide under my sheets again and forget how I embarassed myself.


	4. Chapter 3

Hey guys!

Thank you for the reviews, I really appretiated them. I hope you like the new chapter, let me know what you think ^^

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_So long this is goodbye  
May we meet again in another life  
Like strangers passing by  
May we see clearly in a different life_

_So long goodbye – 10 years –_

I was upstairs in my room with Miah doing her homework on my bed. She sticked around quite often lately. Somehow I thought that she tried to spend as much time with me as possible and it hurt to even think about it. She was nine years old – she wasn't supposed to have to deal with such things. Sometimes she would sneak into my room in the middle of the night and just stand there to watch me sleep. I bet she's listening carefully to ensure that I'm still breathing. From the first day on she was my favourite little sister. She loved me and never cried when she was in my arms. She used to wrapp her little fingers around mine and I loved the warmth and weight of her tiny little body snuggling up against my chest. Back then she had been the most adorable and cute thing in the whole world to me. Now she was mostly everything that kept me going. Whenever I looked at her and saw the fear in her blue eyes, the fear of something soon to come, I knew that I had to go on and fight just for another day.

I stood beside the window and watched some birds flying through the air outside the house. I didn't know their names, I thought they were doves or something. Their feathers shone like silver in the dim grey light of a rainy morning. I wondered if they felt cold up there. My hands were cold and I realized I was shaking a bit actually but I ignored it. I was just wearing hot pants and a top even though it was pretty much winter outside. The rain was slowly forming into soft flakes of snow and I heard Miah getting up to watch the grass in the garden being covered by a white shroud.

'Do you think we can build a snowman tomorrow?', she asked, her voice curious.

'Maybe, if the snow keeps on falling', I aswered and turned away from the window to sit down on the bed.

'Are you okay? Mommy's back soon I guess'

I looked up at her and smiled a bit.

'I'm fine, wanna eat something? It's time for lunch...'

I took a look at the clock and saw that it was already afternoon actually but Miah hadn't complained so far so I figured she wasn't that hungry. Besides, I couldn't cook at all. I just hope there was some pizza in the freezer.

'Quite a bit, let's go downstairs and I'll do my homework later', she suggested but I shook my head.

'No just go on and I cook something'

I got up and walked down the stairs, noticing that my left leg had started to hurt again. That was never a good sign. It told me that things were proceeding and time was running through my hands like sand.

As I made my way to the kitchen, the doorbell rang. It pissed me off right away because I wasn't in the mood to deal with people today. It was even hard to deal with Miah but she had the bonus to be my sister. With a sigh I walked over and opened the door just to stare at the person in front of it. My heart dropped and I felt like fainting for a second before I reminded myself of breathing.

'Hi Abby. I read the letters and thought that I...I mean I felt like I should pay you a visit instead of just calling...'. Brooke Davis' voice was raspy and warm and beautiful as she spooke.

I stared at her in disbelieve for a moment before I realized that I was supposed to say something.

'Yeah...right, I mean sure, come in, I was about to...whatever..' I said, being a bit confused and stepped back so she could come in.

She walked inside, her brown eyes locked on me as if she was trying to finde something in me that reminded her of herself.

'Who's there?', I heard Miah shouting from upstairs.

'A friend of mine, do your homework', I yelled back and led Brooke inside the living room.

'My sister', I explained and sat down on the couch carefully as if I was afraid that a sudden movement could chase her away.

Her gaze was soft and not at all furious as I had expected it to be after what she had found out about me but yet I felt intimidated. She was such an important person for me, someone I had wanted to meet for so long that now, in this very moment, everything felt terribly wrong. This was the wrong time and place to be with her. In my imagination it didn't snow outside, I hadn't been pale and skinny and most of all I hadn't been dying. But here we were and silence surrounded us. It made me feel safe.

'Do you want to drink something?', I finally asked to break the silence, feeling completely insecure and stupid.

Brooke smiled and shook her head. 'No thanks. Let's talk about the box you gave me. I was pretty much shocked by what I read. I had actually no idea that....you exist. I fact, I don't think anyone knows...not even my mother...'

I blushed a little as she spoke because all of the sudden I felt like an intruder. An intruding into a family that wasn't my own. I realized how awkward it had to be for Brooke to be sitting here with me, a half sister she had never known, feeling familiar and yet so strange. There was something in her eyes that I remembered, something that had been in mine once too. Something positive, endearing and soft. Now my eyes were dark and blue and deep as the ocean. Looking into the world without any innocence, illusion or hope. They were broken and the life in Brooke's gaze made me shiver. I felt like already being dead next to her.

'Well, no one here knows either...I mean my mom does but she doesn't know I do. I found the box by accident and tried to find him, Richard. I know that he's dead, though but I wanted to get to know you to because, well...wer're somehow related I guess...'

A small smile appeared on Brooke's lips as she nodded slowly.

'I guess we are. This is all pretty weird acutally. It's been a week since you came to my house and I did a lot of thinking lately. I really think we should get to know each other, what do you think?'  
I couldn't help but smiled back a bit.

'Yeah...I'd love to', I answered and nodded.

Brooke seemed to be content.

'So I'm having this party for my birthday next Saturday, I think you should come. You could meet my friends, family and just hang out with us. Don't be afraid, we're all nice and no one will bite you. Oh well despite the puppy but he just wants to play', she joked and looked at me.

'Maybe you wanna come over to my house before that so we could just...talk', she assumed and I felt relieved. The idea of me being surrounded by a bunch of strangers wasn't at all appealing. I hated to be around people lately but I though that I could handle it if I knew that Brooke was there with me. I didn't know her at all but yet I liked her. I liked the paleness of her skin and the darkness of her hair, because it was a contrast that made her looke like Snow-White. I liked the way her voice sounded, how she looked at me in that caring way I only knew from my mother. I also liked the fact that she somehow made me feel okay. I had expected her to be angry or at least abrasive towards me but I had been wrong. There was something between us that could propably grow into something good, even though time was against us.

'Maybe I could come around on Monday', I suggested.

'Sure, just stop by, I'll be at home all day', she said with a smile when her gaze drifted towards the door where Miah was standing.

'I'm still hungry, Abby', she said and bit her lower lip.

I sighed.

'I'm busy just wait a bit', I said but Brooke had already got up.

'Well nevermind I gotta go anyway and pick up my son. I'll see you on Monday then', she said with a friendly smile that made me feel all warm inside.

'Yeah, see you on Monday'

I led her to the door and watched her get into the car and drive away. She had been here. In my living room. On grandma's couch. My Brooke Davis. And she had a son. And a puppy. Life was somehow beautiful for some seconds.


	5. Chapter 4

Hey everyone! Thx so much for the reviews, it really motivates me to go on writing ^^. Sorry Haylee, the son's name is not exactly Austin but I hope you're not too frustrated about the actual one ^^. Actually I'm strictly Brucas but however, in this story I prefered Brulian. I hope you can live with that. Enjoy the next chapter, hope you like it ^^!

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_After all this has passed_

_I still will remain_

_After I cried my last_

_There'll be beauty from pain_

_Though it won't be the today_

_Someday I'll hope again _

_And there'll be beauty from pain_

_Beauty from pain – Superchick -_

It had started to snow again outside. I looked outside the window and pretended to be far away with my thoughts while the doctor talked to my mother. By the way her words came out I could tell that she was trying hard not to cry. I swallowed hard, fought the impulse to get up and just leave. If I didn't listen and didn't know what he said, then maybe it wouldn't come true.

Dr. Colten's voice is clear and firm as he directly addresses to me.

'Abby, I fear that the results of your lumbar puncture are not as good as we hoped. They show that the cancer has spread to your spinal fluid.'

He paused and looked at me as if he was trying to make sure I understood the dimenson of what he was saying. I did.

'This is very bad because it means that you've relapsed into your central nervous system. I know this is very hard to hear but things are progressing more quickly than we first thought...'

Suddenly his words came out softer as if he was really afraid that they might hurt me. They didn't. I was far away.

There was a window right behind him and I could see the soft white flakes fall to the ground. It was really going to happen. They said it would but this was too fast. I really would never go back to school.

Not ever.

I would never be famous or leave something worthwhile behind.

I would never see my sisters grow up.

I would never fall in love with a boy.

This was just not fair.

I had been ill for so long that I didn't even have the time to properly live before I would die.

It was really, really true.

This was wrong. I needed to live before I die. It was the only thing that really made sense. I had to take the list more serious now that time was running out quicker than expected.

My gaze drifted over to my mother who was sobbing. I felt sick when I saw her. My hand reached out to touch hers and she grabbed it, holding it so tight I thought she was going to break my fingers. God, she was so desperate...

I wondered how long I could stave it off. How long I could pretend I was okay. I didn't know. All I knew was that I had two choices – stay stuck on bed and get on with dying or getting the list back together and get on with living.

* * *

'Hey you are up early'

My mother's voice behind me let me turn around in the bathroom.

'Hey, yeah, I'm meeting friends..', I said and brushed my hair before walking past her back into my room. I could tell she was smiling even though I had my back turned to her.

'Really? That's great! But don't forget to call if something is wrong', she reminded me and I rolled my eyes.

'I will mom, I always do. Now get downstairs before Cadie has cried her lungs out', I grinned as I heard my youngest sister scream for my mother.

'I love you shortie', mom said before walking away and the smile died on my lips.

'I love you too mommy...', the words came out so softly that they were barely audible. My chest hurt for a moment. I loved her. So incredibly much that it hurt to leave her behind. To make her cry. To see a part of her dying with me.

I wiped my eyes to fight back the tears that formed in my eyes as I put my jacket on an headed down the stairs. I needed to get out of here for a while, just to breathe again. The walls were closing in on me since the doctor's appointement but luckily enough today was Monday. Brooke's day.

'See you guys later!', I shouted before storming out of the door with the car keys in my hand. I climped in and drove down the driveway and down the road. I was so curious and nervous that I even started singing a song on the radio, something that I hadn't done in a very long while.

I stopped in front of her house and stared at it for a moment. The air was cold and fresh, even inside the car and it helped me to breathe. My lungs were worse lately, there were moments in which I really felt like suffocating. The doctor had told me to spend as much time as possible outside where there was enough oxygen in the air. It was hard to spend much time outside in the blistering cold though.

I climbed out of the car and locked it before walking over and ringing the doorbell. For a moment there was silence inside the house and I already feared that no one was at home when I suddenly heard steps heading towards me and looked right into Brooke's smiling face. She had a little boy on her hip of maybe 2 years who waved at me. I smiled back and waved before looking at Brooke.

'Hey, you're out early, that's great. We were just about to have second breakfast, have you eaten yet? This is Sam, my son, my husband is inside. Don't be afraid, he'll go to work soon and we have time for us', she said and led me inside her pretty house. I had stared at it so often from the outside that I tried to memorize everything inside. It was really neat, clean and pretty. Different from my house but I loved it right away.

A young man came towards me and wiped his hands on his trousers. 'Hey, you gotta be Abby. I'm Julian, nice to meet you', a warm smile was on his lips as he held out his hand. I took it in mine. It was warm.

'Yes, I'm Abby, nice to meet you too', I gave back and shook the hand before looking at Brooke.

'Let's go into the kitchen. Do you want a cup of coffee? Or tea? Something hot should be good, it's freaking cold outside. Sammy's a bit ill so he won't stay with the nanny today what means we have a huge lot of time because I can't go to work anyway.'

She was talking as if I was one of her dearest friends stopping by, as if she had known me all her life and I liked it.

'Tea sounds good, I'm not that much of a coffee drinker actually', I said and followed her into the kitchen where she made the tea and I watched her.

Sam was walking towards me now after she had put him down to have both hands free, and looked me up and down. I knelt down in front of him and smiled.

'Hey Sammy, I'm Abby', I help my hand out and he touched it gently with a tired smile on his face. My mom would have freaked out now because even the slightest infection could worsen my state dramatically. But I didn't care. I was bigger and stronger like all of this. I was like a bird flying high above the clouds where nothing was visible, nothing could hurt me. No matter what the doctors said, I was immortal.

'Tea's done, let's sit down', Brooke said and pointed at the chairs so I walked over with Sammy still holding my hand and took a seat. I was more than surprised when he crawled onto my lap and sat there, just smiling at me. That must have been the moment I totally fell in love with him. He was my nephew, somehow. And he liked me. My heart felt warm and light for a few moments.

'So tell me something about you', Brooke said with a smile and this somehow confused me. What was I supposed to tell her? I couldn't tell her the naked truth about me, not now, not yet. So I just told her about my mother, my sisters, the house I lived in, the friends I used to have back then when my life had been ordinary. She listened carefully and didn't interrupt me at all until I had finished.

We talked the whole day. For hours I forgot to be afraid, I even forgot that I was ill. We talked, laughed, ate selfmade cookies and just enjoyed being together.

I think this was the happiest day of my life.

And I cherrished every second of it so I wouldn't forget it until the end.


	6. Chapter 5

Hey everyone!

I'm sorry that this update took me so long but I was quite busy and didn't find the time to write lately. Sorry Haylee :( ! Hope you enjoy the new chapter. Sorry for any mistakes, I'm half asleep :D

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_Yeah God love your soul and your aching bones  
Take a breath, take a step, maybe down below  
Everyone's the same  
My fingers to my toes  
We just can't get a ride  
But we're on the road_

_All fall down – One Republic_

I knew I was in a hospital before I had even opened my eyes.

They all smelled the same and the line hooked into my arm felt familiar. I tried to sit up but someone pushed me down again.

'Shhht take it easy, you shouldn't sit up now. The doctor will be here soon', the voice of a woman told me and I opened my eyes to look at her. It was a nurse, pretty, maybe 30 years old, with black curls and a friendly smile on her face that somehow made me feel sick. Happiness felt so wrong here. Nurses were as scary as clowns. They always tried to cheer you up and never told you what they really knew.

I looked away and stared out of the window.

For some reason I hoped that somwhere in this state I would bump into the perfect doctor but none of them were ever right.

I wanted a magician with a wand or a knight with a sword.

The one that entered the room now was as polite and bland as a salesman.

He sat down on a chair next to my bed and looked at me so seriously I wanted to roll my eyes but I was polite enought to not do it. It was his job to be a pain in the ass.

He flipped through the chart in his lap and looked up again.

'Abby, do you know what hypercalcaemia is?'

'If I say no, can I have something else?', I asked, trying to crack a joke to lighten up the mood but the face of the doc remained serious.

Jerk.

'Hypercalcaemia is a condition where your calcium level is too high. You've been given bishosphonates to reduce the level and you should be feeling much less confused and nauseous already.'

'I'm always confused', I told him and stroked the blanked.

'Do you have any questions?'

He looked at me expectantly and I was sorry to disappoint him but what could I possibly ask this ordinary little man? He couldn't answer my questions. He had no idea what it was like to be me.

He got up and told me that the nurse would give me something to help me sleep. With a nod goodbye he left the room and I was relieved to get rid of him. I didn't care at all how the conditions were called that made me sick. They just annoyed me because they kept me from going on with the list. I wondered how I even got here. Did I faint? Where was my mother? I tried to remember something, anything but there was a big black whole where my memories should be. The last thing I remembered was the afternoon with Brooke. After that, everything had vanished in my mind.

The nurse came back and handed me two pills and a glass of water. I didn't even want to sleep but she made me take them and as I lay back again, I could barely feel my body. It was so sore and heavy that I wondered if dying felt like that. Maybe not. Rumors had it, that it felt like floating but soon enough I would find out myself.

I slept for a while and woke up by the sound of my two sisters arguing.

'I had it first! Mommy, tell her, I had it first!", Miah complained and a small grin appeared on my lips as I opened my eyes.

'Whatever it is I had it first', I mumbled and my voice sounded raspy.

My mom embraced me carefully and tears filled her pretty blue eyes.

'Oh honey, don't you ever do that again! You fainted in the driveway, no more car driving for you! I'm just so glad you had already climed out of the car, I don't want to imagine what would have happened if you had passed out while driving!"

She was shaking a little and I still couldn't remember it.

I shrugged.

'Nothing happened, mom. I need the car to get around the neighbourhood, you know that.'

She opened her mouth to argue with me but didn't say a word.

Cadie climbed on the bed and looked at me with a stirn expression on her face.

'Are you dying now?'

I smiled a bit.

'Not yet I fear'

She nodded.

'Good, tell me before you do because I have to give you my bunny then so you're not that alone. But I need it right now myself', she explained and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.

'I will....'

My mom was sobbing silently.

I reached out and touched her warm hand that was so much softer than mine. Chemo had made my skin so dry.

'What day is it?'

I asked and brushed a lose strand of hair out of my face.

'Monday, why?'

My eyes widened.

'MONDAY??? I missed Brooke's birthday!!', I cried out and sat up in bed.

'Who is Brooke?', my mother said with a puzzled look on her face and I sighed a bit.

'A friend...', I mumbled and closed my eyes. I had looked foward to her birthday because I wanted to spend time with her, now I had missed it. How was I supposed to explain that?

Mom leaned over and kissed me on the forehead.

The familiar smile of her – the washing powder she used, the orange oil she sprayed on her throat – made me want to cry.

I spread my fingers out in front of me. They're very thin and white like vampire hands that could suck everyone's heat away. They always felt cold.

'Rest a bit, I take the girls home now, they're bored and tired', my mother told me and I nodded. I was tired like hell actually even though I had just woken up.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep again wondering why I felt so exhausted. My body was getting weaker and I couldn't stop it. That somehow scared me.

Next time I opened my eyes the sun was blinding and I blinked because my eyes started to hurt. Someone walked over to the windows and closed the curtain. It took me a minute to realize it was Brooke.

'Brooke...', I whispered in exitement that faded away when I got aware of the fact that she was here, in the goddamn hospital with me, knowing what was going on. I had never intented to tell her about my condition, not yet.

'Hey sleepy head, I thought you would never wake up again', she said with a smile on her face that made me feel war.

'I know hospital food sucks and your mom told me you need to eat so I brought you something eatable.'

My heart skipped a beat.

'You met my mom?'

Brooke nodded and sat down on the chair nex to my bed.

'Yes, she's very nice and your sisters are such cuties! Don't be scared, she doesn't know who I really am.'

I sighed a bit in relief and smiled. I loved Brooke for being my secret.

'Now you know everything, huh?'

My voice sounded sad and tired as I spoke.

The smile faded from her face and her shining brown eyes darkened a bit.

'Yes I know...I'm not gonna tell you how sorry I am because it won't help you, right? Let's just make the best out of it, hm?'

She was so different from everyone else I knew. She was perfect.

'I have a list of things that I want to do before I die. Will you help me to achieve everything?', I asked.

Brooke smiled at me.

'Sure!'

We were like Bonnie and Clyde, partners in crime and I knew that with her the last days of my life could be something special, something good.


End file.
